


you know my soul

by justsleepwalkin



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Bittersweet, Campaign 2 (Critical Role), Ensemble Cast, Friendship, Future Fic, Hopeful Ending, Justice, M/M, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR EP 97, Major Spoilers, Mighty Nein as Family, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, Not A Happy Ending, Post ep 97, Sacrifice, Sending Stones, Spoilers, Unresolved Sexual Tension, dunamancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23012599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsleepwalkin/pseuds/justsleepwalkin
Summary: “Do you ever get to the point where you think you've learned not everything—but enough you're satisfied with your accomplishments?”“Essek?”“It's a wonderful feeling.”
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Comments: 9
Kudos: 116





	you know my soul

> old soul, old soul, rises, rises  
>  old sun, old sun, rising, rising  
>  old soul, old soul, rises, rises  
>  old sun, old sun, rising, rising  
>  100 hands  
>  so hypnotized  
>  the anthem of an open mind  
>  you know my soul  
>  you know my soul, I can’t hide you know my soul like daylight  
>  [♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuRVaVGxSjw) rising by Reuben and the Dark

-

The Sending Stone is a warm weight in his hand, familiar, like it's been a part of him for longer than he'd care to admit. _“Caleb,”_ he says through it, waiting to see if a response will come; he has no idea what part of the world they're in right now, how different time is for them. If it's late for him, perhaps the Mighty Nein are still awake. 

The response is a _hmm_ 'ed murmur, then, _“Essek.”_

_“Do you ever get to the point where you think you've learned not everything—but enough you're satisfied with your accomplishments?”_

_“Essek?”_

_“It's a wonderful feeling.”_

* * *

They've been at peace for three years now. The Assembly whispers what they've learned back and forth to Essek, compiling their information on the Beacons and understanding the complex web that is the interlocked realities of dunamancy. Three years may as well have been sixty with their increased unraveling of Time. The new practices and uses could change the whole of Exandria. If Essek could manipulate the weavings of Fate as he had, then so could the Assembly. 

But he had a path, a goal, and they were at peace. His Queen never aware of the treason that he had committed, the Assembly skirting danger just the same. Everyone got off easily and Essek was allowed to continue his studies with the welcomed occasional intrusions of the Mighty Nein.

* * *

_“If I could just sort out the corruption of my home...”_

_“Give it time, Widogast.”_

_“I don't think I quite have the same grasp of time as you've seen, Essek.”_

_“It isn't—it isn't safe. They'll eviscerate you alive.”_

_“It might be worth it.”_

_“No. No it's not.”_

_“Mm. Ignoring life outside of you is what got you in this bind, Essek.”_

_“I—”_

_“Sorry.”_

_“Just—give it time, Caleb.”_

* * *

There's no vibration from his Stone when a voice crowds his head and startles his work: _“Hi Essek, it's Jester. Just checking in, Caleb's been super weird—you have Caleb—and I was just wondering if maybe you would be able—”_

There's a pause as she's cut off, the sudden snapped absence ringing through his mind and he wonders only for a moment why she didn't simply ask for the Sending Stone from Caleb and save herself the spells, but if Caleb is “being super weird” as she said then convincing him may not have been possible.

_“So I was wondering if you'd be able to come by, we're over in this place called Emon in Tal'dorei and—oh, will you come?”_

He can tell she'd meant to say more but recognized her limits too late. Somehow, after so many years, she has trouble.

He sighs and looks down at his work, the inked lines that stretch out into hundreds of branches. He rubs at his eyes, wondering if he'd be able to pick right up again easily where he left off—unlikely. But. _But_. It's concerning what she may mean. It's concerning that Caleb would try and brush it off. He instinctively reaches for his Sending Stone, kept near at all times, only to pocket it instead as he stands up, his mind already laughably made up—as though there were any fight to it. 

_“I will be there shortly. Do me a favor and don't move so that I may scry on your location. Wouldn't want any mishaps, mm?”_

He moves to a cleared section of floor, though some stacks of books need to be shifted to make more space for the ritual. He draws out in chalk five points—a single flat side of the Beacon, always the freshest in his mind—and then lays out an elegant mirror in the center. A gift, that mirror, from Jester herself. It isn't as though he didn't already have the materials for the spell—they were well aware of his previous needs to scry upon them. But, as she had announced when brandishing the gift, she wanted him to have something special, and to know that they (or she, at least) were perfectly happy with him checking in ( _it's weird, Jester,_ Fjord had said) on his friends. 

He'd said he would treasure it. 

Caleb had given him one of the Sending Stones two months later. 

Essek still had nothing for them. He was trying. He would just need time. He would always need time. 

The mirror shimmers as Essek's magic resonates with the ritual and his mind latches onto the vibrant tiefling of Jester Lavorre. 

He sees around her, the mottled crew of the Mighty Nein, the shadowed building that they've put themselves under, but Jester being sure to wave at the store sign— _The Slayer's Cake, Emon Branch_ — in case he wouldn't notice it on his own. Their voices feel muffled, like he's underwater, and it's strange to him because he usually has a good perception while scrying, but it's dizzying, like the first few times his mind reached into the sea of the Beacon. 

Try as he might, he can't make out their words, but he understands emotion: Jester's exuberance, Caleb's hesitance, Fjord's acceptance, Caduceus's joy, Veth's distraction, Beau's amusement, and Yasha—strangely—Yasha's excitement. 

He's sucked out of the spell roughly and he should give himself time to piece together his disoriented mind, but he pushes it all down to stand and begin the spell to travel to them—

“ _See_ , I told you he was coming, sheesh, Fjord, you really should trust me more—”

“Yes, well Jester, most people don't drop everything and travel across continents—”

“Hey there, you don't look so well, I could make something to settle your stomach—”

Essek's vision swims and the voices blend together and then there's a hand on each of his shoulders and Caleb is there and Essek's mind centers itself.

“Are you okay?” Caleb asks him.

“It's nothing,” Essek says, “I've simply been overworking myself.”

“Which is _why_ ,” Jester exclaims, “it's a good idea that you came and took a break with us! We're not imposing, right, Essek? He wouldn't have come if he didn't want to, Caleb.”

“It's not imposing,” Essek agrees, looking over Caleb's shoulder at the Cleric. Luc bumps into her, fumbling with a magic ball of light, and Veth and Yeza rush to catch him. Essek focuses back on Caleb. “Are _you_ alright?” he asks.

“I am fine,” Caleb says. “Jester is overreacting.” 

“Am _not_!” Jester calls back, managing to stay standing with help from her tail. “He'll see right through you Caleb,” she continues, folding her arms and puffing out her chest, “I don't even have to say anything—Luc make sure to focus, or you'll lose the spell.”

“Okay!” Luc replies, and he carefully splits the large pastel-glowing light into several smaller ones. 

There's something strangely charming at seeing such a young boy begin to practice magic, Essek thinks. A pang has him wonder if it's Caleb's influence.

“What brings you to Tal'dorei?” he asks instead. 

Caleb drops one hand and steps to Essek's side, but his other keeps gently resting on Essek's shoulder. 

“We were sightseeing,” Fjord says, his voice strangled. “Expanding our world view.”

“Oh, we got here by accident,” Veth pipes in. “ _Totally_ by accident. Weird experimental magic portal. Swallowed up my house.”

“And _then_ we wanted to explore,” Caduceus adds. 

“So we messaged Allura and did a bit of a roadtrip,” Beau continues, “got some Teleportation Circles added to the Bingo Card, and it was a chill family outing. Met the Tal'dorei council. Learned a lot, about ready to go home, but then—it's really cool, being here in Emon, because there's this Day of Challenging thing going on!”

“It's Tal'dorei's holy day for the Stormlord,” Yasha says, and now some of her excitement starts to make sense to Essek. “They have something called a Godsbrawl.” 

“Ah,” Essek says, “you will participate, I imagine?” 

“Yes.”

“Best of luck to you then.” He looks around the group, brow raised. “Are any of the rest of you going to?”

Jester beams. “I think I might, just for fun. Give the Traveler some representation! Will you watch, Essek?”

“If you'd like me to.”

“We always want you to hang out with us, right, Caleb?”

“Jester...” Caleb warns. 

“Then I'll join you,” Essek says, because he doesn't know any other way to get around Caleb's sudden discomfort.

* * *

_“I feel like, sometimes, the Beacon is under my skin. The map of infinite possibilities, all out of reach. I dream of it sometimes, but it feels real. I know how it sometimes warps those dreams. I see a good friend of ours, Mollymauk, still alive, but then I see others dead. I see Veth still as Nott and I see Fjord under the influence of a sea god, splitting the tides. I—I see you. I see you as Thane and us caught at that party, and you running from Caduceus, and I—I've seen myself killing you, I've seen the Bright Queen killing you, I've seen Ikithon killing you...”_

The problem with the Sending Stones is that Essek can't interrupt Caleb. He just listens to Caleb list out his nightmares and he can't tell him to stop. He wants to say _it's under my skin, too_ and _I've seen you die two hundred ways and a hundred of them are my fault_ and _they're not just dreams._ The Stone saves him from slipping, lets him keep his masks, lets him think of his words in a way that Jester never does. Careful. _Careful._

_“I've found that there are ways to block the mind's thoughts while at rest.”_

_“Trying for a good night's sleep, Thelyss?”_ It's almost more of a jab than a joke. 

_“When you have the blood of thousands on your hands...”_ When he has Caleb's blood on his hands, but he doesn't, but he does, but... 

Fate will eat Essek alive. 

_“Ja,”_ Caleb laughs, inward, just twisting a bit, _“when you put it like that.”_

When you put it like that.

* * *

_“Vidalla wants to know if anyone would be opposed to her picking up an animal companion.”_

_“You've talked with Vidalla?”_

How does Essek say that sometimes he goes to the Xhorhaus because it's the only thing that keeps him from drowning? If not for the Xhorhaus, he'd be desperately seeking out the company of the Mighty Nein and he—he can't. He has to push that aside. He's nearly bent Time to his will just to see them and it's—too much.

This is what friends do to you.

It's awful and he's never been able to cut off from them. He could change it, he thinks, but he wouldn't.

_“I visited the tree and took tea with her while I was there.”_

_“I see. Well, truly, the house is more hers with how little we're there. She'll obviously clean up after whatever she gets so that's fine. Jester says as long as it isn't something that will eat Sprinkle, and Beau says it can't be an owl.”_

Strange requests, Essek thinks. Certainly there has become something supernatural about the weasel for it to still be alive and it could likely combat whatever creature by pure presence alone. And what does Beauregard have against owls? _Strange._

* * *

Essek can't sleep. He's reaching out through a sea of souls and searching, grasping. There's a thousand versions of him, future possibilities and past failures and he loses years in seconds and swallows down knowledge that he can't process, can't understand yet—he's grasping, grasping—

The smooth stone vibrates in his palm and he doesn't remember grabbing it. He stares at it blearily. It feels like a weight, dragging him down, reminding him of everything he hasn't done. He strokes his thumb along the stone regardless. 

_“Did I wake you?”_

_“No, sleep's failed me,”_ he replies with more honesty than he'd usually offer. 

It clearly gives Caleb pause.

 _“I can't sleep, either,”_ Caleb admits. _“My mind's stuck... in a loop. I can't shake it.”_

_“A loop?”_

_“You know, time. Just seeing my life as a child spread out til now. Stuck skipping repeat on the Assembly for a bit, then continuing. I've never told you before about my time with them. ...May I?”_

Essek shifts and sits up in bed, clutching the Stone with both his hands as his gut swells in fear. 

_“Yes.”_

Caleb tells him.

* * *

It isn't as though it changes any of Essek's goals. It just gives him that push, like a knife to his throat, a dark reminder now with him always, looming.

* * *

He tries to see them once every few weeks. It keeps Caleb from being weird, Jester says. It keeps Essek from being weird, Essek doesn't say. Essek meets far too many of their family members. He gets attached to children and siblings and parents and he's not attached to _his own family_ so how, how they get under his skin and share space with the Beacon, he'll never be able to understand. 

He's worked out so many intricacies of the Beacon and yet the Mighty Nein will always confound him. 

He thinks he's okay with that.

* * *

Vidalla gets herself a Phase Spider and he can't even say he's surprised. It pops into the doorway of his study one day and he doesn't destroy half his work in his alarm but it's a near thing. He's seconds into preparing an attack when it chitters and spits out a fancy envelope and then steps back, demure, as the envelope flutters to the floor. 

Essek moves to take it, his curiosity as overwhelming as it had been when he first took sight of the tree looming above the Xhorhaus. The envelope has _Shadowhand Essek Thelyss_ on the front and a wax seal with what he can only imagine is the face of a weasel stamped into it. Jester, he thinks. But when he opens it he finds that it is an invitation from Vidalla inviting him to tea, with an RSVP box. 

He wonders if Jester's coerced her into being a follower of the Traveler. He thinks next time he sees the Mighty Nein he might suggest it if she's not. 

He stares at the Phase Spider, waiting patiently. He marks the box with a spell and hands it back to the spider. It chitters before taking it and then flickers out of sight.

“Is there anyone they _haven't_ influenced?” he says aloud. 

Well.

Vidalla was a little imp even before the Mighty Nein started to rub off on her.

* * *

_“Do you think it's possible to change time?”_ Caleb murmurs, so quiet like it pains him to ask.

Essek has been shaping time around him for the last two years.

 _“Do you want to?”_ he asks. 

_“... I did,”_ Caleb admits. _“If I changed just one thing... but then everything comes tumbling down, and we've done so much, haven't we?”_

It's easier to alter time in the present then look at all to the past. 

_“You have.”_

_“It's a fanciful dream, anyway. I can't change the things I want to.”_

I can, Essek doesn't say.

I will, Essek doesn't say.

* * *

_“Do you ever get to the point where you think you've learned not everything—but enough you're satisfied with your accomplishments?”_

_“Essek?”_

_“It's a wonderful feeling.”_ He wishes he were face to face with Caleb. He doesn't have any energy left to expend to go to the Wizard. He gestures at the air as though Caleb is sitting directly across from him, wants to share this with him, this weightlessness, this coming up for air. _“It isn't about having the Beacon under your skin. It's about encompassing it completely. Skin, bone, muscle, breath, mind—soul. Unified.”_

_“Essek... what are you...”_

_“I can finally—Caleb, you don't understand.”_

_“Essek, you're worrying me. Give me a little time and I can teleport to you.”_

_“Time,”_ Essek laughs, bubbled in a way reminiscent to Jester. _“Yes.”_ He wants Caleb here. He wants Caleb here. But— _“It's alright, Caleb. Don't come.”_ Because he thinks if Caleb shows up, everything Essek's worked for will fall apart. _“I will see you in a few days.”_

* * *

Lord Desran Thane stands before King Bertrand Dwendal. He submits himself for Interrogation by the few people in the Assembly he trusts. Lets them crack open his mind and spill all his secrets, guarded and obfuscated for so long.

“I will give you any and everything about the start and continuation of the war between the Dwendalian Empire and the Kryn Dynasty. I will accept Zone of Truth, I won't fight Detect Thoughts, nor any other spell you wish to subjugate me to. There is corruption in your midst and I will end it, and then I must face my execution at the hands of the Bright Queen.”

His illusion drops. “I am her traitor, after all,” Essek whispers.

* * *

Vidalla looks up from the dining table when the Mighty Nein tear inside in a frenzy. Her Phase Spider is curled up beneath, all legs tucked neatly in. She looks straight at Caleb and holds up a thick book. “This is for you,” she says, “from Essek.”

“ _No_ ,” Caleb hisses, angry tears in his eyes. He shakes his head and holds up a finger. “No,” he says again. “If he left me that then it means he's _gone_ which I _cannot fathom why_ —”

“Caleb,” Jester says softly. 

“He did this for you,” Yasha says.

“And that's supposed to make it better?” Caleb demands. “He should have—he should have _told me_!”

“And have you talk him out of it?” Fjord asks. 

“Yes!” 

Jester steps forward swiftly and throws her arms around Caleb, hugging him tight and stunting his erratic movements. “We all do really dumb things for the people we love,” she muffles into his coat. “He learned it.” 

Caleb's breathing hitches and he clings to Jester.

“King Dwendal let him face execution by the Bright Queen,” Beau says. “Means he was close enough to a Beacon.”

“The Bright Queen will never let Essek return.”

“You don't know that,” Beau argues. “The Kryn don't care as much about the death toll from the war he caused as they do getting their Beacons back.”

“He waited three years to come clean, and he gave them nothing of what he learned.”

“Looks like he gave it to you,” Yeza says, squinting down at the book on the table. 

“What?” Caleb croaks. 

Veth flips it open and skims through the pages. “I can't even begin to understand this, maybe you can though, Caleb. You two had an understanding.”

“Not _enough_ if he went and sacrificed himself. And I bet... I _bet_ I could change it,” he rasps, shaking. “I bet it's in there. _If I could change just one thing_...”

“Caleb...” Jester says again.

“Everything comes tumbling down,” Caleb finishes. “Essek, you asshole. _You asshole_ , you said I'd see you in a few days. Not... Not _this_.”

The message had come to Beauregard by way of the Dusk Captain, informing them that Shadowhand Essek Thelyss had revealed that he was guilty of treason against the Dynasty, and that he had dismantled the corruption of the Empire. 

It took Caleb three times to properly cast their teleportation, unable to steady his mind under the surge of emotions. 

Had they been in Rosohna more often, maybe they could have prevented this. Had they asked Essek to come with them—but he always was so careful with his time, always _distracted_ , always watching Caleb like—like he knew what he was doing. Like he was always planning this. He didn't have to. He didn't _have to do this_. Essek wasn't supposed to learn to love and then sacrifice everything.

He sinks down to his knees, drawing Jester with him. 

“I would have done this same thing,” he whispers. “Had I been in his position. I would have done it.”

“Yeah,” Caduceus says gently, “you probably would have.”

“You don't have to be okay, Caleb,” Jester says. “And maybe he'll come back and maybe he won't, but I think he was happy. We made him happy. And he made you happy. And Caleb? Now you can go home without being afraid.”

“We saved his home and he saved yours,” Yasha says. 

“I should also mention,” Vidalla says after the silence becomes deafening. “That he left all of his belongings to the Mighty Nein.”

Fjord jerks his attention to her. “He did what? He didn't leave it to his Den?”

Vidalla watches him blankly. “Den Thelyss wasn't his family.”

“Well, we'll honor him as our family,” Veth states. “Come on, let's go up to the tree and add something on his behalf.” 

Caleb settles back on his feet. “I'm not sure...” 

“He never was one to dwell on the past,” Beau says. “We move forward, Caleb.”

* * *

Caleb doesn't sleep, not until his body forces him to. He reads over Essek's notes again and again. He doesn't sleep, not until Caduceus finds him and the Mighty Nein keep a closer eye on their Wizard. He sleeps more, but he reads, he reads, he reads. He doesn't have a Beacon, doubts the Bright Queen would let him anywhere near one especially without letting her know his new knowledge. 

He has no way to experiment, but the Beacon's already under his skin. It's in his spells, in his dreams. How hard would it be to weave that into his being? To feel the webs of realities as the very fibers of his body? 

Months stretch by but they're gulps of years, sucked down when he finally lets himself get real rest out of necessity. He's grasping in his dreams at souls and the spread is so wide, so infinite, but his heart is a beacon of its own and there's a mirror, distant, echoed. There's a thousand versions of himself but they're all fixed to one goal, searching in unison, one soul echoed—he's grasping, grasping—

**Author's Note:**

> yeah that
> 
> happened
> 
> Originally I wasn't going to have that last part but I was having trouble wrapping it up otherwise so it went from no hopeful ending to well y'know maybe there's something there (I'm still keeping the Not a Happy Ending tag though). 
> 
> I probably took some liberties with the Sending Stones but hey. 
> 
> I don't imagine Veth-Yeza-Luc always traveled with the Might Nein, just on occasion. Like there's probably a Teleportation Circle in their home after it got un-portaled.


End file.
